dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
25 People Share How They Got Out Of Their Longest Dry Spell
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
21 People Confess Their Craziest Online Dating Experience
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH