Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Dude, just got a bummer.
A blow job from a homeless chick.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed