Me. At least after what I've been through.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
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