i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
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who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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