KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
Randomize
