SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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