so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
