you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize