Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
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Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
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I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
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