Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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