I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
