Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
