Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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