Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
