she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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