OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
