battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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