The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
