I'm drive I can fine osifer
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
