The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Randomize
