dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I fill condoms, not promises.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
