does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
