Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy