I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
