i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
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