Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
