Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
