so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
