I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
