I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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