I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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