Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
