well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
you had me at cake vodka
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
