Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
