At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Randomize
