just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
