u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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