Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Randomize
