you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
