you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize