I like my sex mixed with concussions.
yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
