it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
