Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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