It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
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