I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
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