Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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