I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
These 23 People Walked In On Someone And Saw Some Crazy Sh*t
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Confessions From 23 People Who Have Been Hiding Terrible Secrets
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.