Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
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