Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
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somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
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I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything