don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
