May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Randomize
