i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Randomize
