I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
