Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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