My sheets look like a crime scene.
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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