She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
did i just pee glitter
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
