These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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