Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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