Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Randomize
