Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Everclear isn't food dammit
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
