Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
