Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
you're hired as official boob wrangler
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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